One side of a coin.

This was how I felt before I felt like this.

In today’s world, it seems we are all concerned with holding closer those things that matter and discarding all else, we want to be in the moment, living life to the fullness, chasing nirvana a pure all-encompassing pure experience void of drudgery, slog or social mandates. We want to do what we love and love what we do. It feels like chasing a phantom, here one moment and gone the next, you get a glimpse of it when u foray into nature or after an epic adventure, it calls you from an edifying movie, or a song seemingly tailor made for you. Like that yoga moment where you are fully in touch with every part of yourself, fully conscious, completely present. However, in the midst of the toil of provision and self-sustenance, of social unrest, political mismanagement and globalization, one must ask where the kiss of illusions end and the jab of reality starts.

Can we really dwell in that moment? Can that truly be our life, a place where one is divorced from modern day convenience and bondages, one truly free, happy and living that life that we desk-junkies long for? I am not saying it is impossible, as there are countless hippies and free spirits touting that freedom. I might be so blinded by the chains of the socially acceptable that I question if this is a case of wanting to eat your cake and have it, I do truly want to be counted amongst the number that claim to be experiencing this liberty but I also feel in these times, we must live each day in its fullness, appreciating, and trying to improve the drudgery as well as chase down and immerse ourselves in those moments when we experience pure passion, joy, freedom and purpose. I think this indeed is what life is, playing the hand you have been dealt and not trying to spend just one side of a coin.

I choose to live fully and not try to be an escapist, not close the door on the ugly and the boring but acknowledge that these thing are also the seeds that create character, innovation and adventure. I hope someday somehow I am proved wrong and I can find that hidden route that takes me to the place of complete engagement without the aid of mind altering drugs


Wheel sucking…

Torture Chamber AKA Sufferlandia

There truly are few things as dreadful as sitting on your bicycle in a cold, damp basement riding spinners or rollers in the heart of winter.  The monotony and lack of visual stimulation is stifling, even with all the tools available both affordable (Sufferfest videos) and not (wahoo trainer). It is at such times that one must pull from an inner reserve, one must conjure up memories of epic climbing conquests, blazing fast group rides or races, perhaps even failures to stay motivated. 

My de facto motivational scene was my spring 3 day “riding camp” last April. A three day organized ride in the coastal flat lands around Oriental North Caroline. On the third day after turning cranks for 160miles (since there is no coasting in the flat lands), with tired legs, I got on a four man train comprising primarily of locals. Unaccustomed to such long straight roads, whenever I took my pull, I always planned to pull till we made a turn then get off ( back home a road is never straight for more than  400yards). It did not take me long to realize that the roads there went on into the horizon, straight as an arrow. 

Needless to say, all I could see for the last 15 miles was the wheel in front of me, as I struggled despairingly to hang on to it. The group did all they could to drop me as I became dead weight but I hung on with as much pinash as the parasite I had become could muster… I would not make the rest of that ride on my own, I knew it. 


There were many times my body begged me to ease off, let them go, it’s not worth it. I was so close to the end of the ride but yet so far. In my life I have been struggling with the same sentiments, sometimes we hold on so long waiting for a breakthrough that never seems to be coming. Like a tempo ride, your heart seems to redline right before you hit a slight downhill or your turn on the front is over and you get some reprieve. We get similar compulsions, an inclination to go it ourselves, abandon the struggle. The fact is we need that wheel to hang on to, we need that stronger rider to pull us to the finish line. 

In my times of turmoil and dejection the wheel is so love to hang on to is Isiah 40:30-31: even the youth grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, but those who trust in the lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint. 

I love that….

Talent or Tenure?

Today whilst digesting the quote “we must build the defense of peace in the minds of men…We are living in a culture of war let us build a culture of peace” by Federico Zaragoza  former Director-General of UNESCO from the book Wisdom, Andrew Zuckerman. I started to wonder the great cost demanded for peace, the price revolutionists and martyrs like Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Che Guevara, MLK had to pay to the merchants or oppression and war for peace and I wonder if I had the courage to cast my lot and stand against all odds for a cause.
Do we all have the capacity to withstand pain both physically and mentally till we attain our desired goal? Is it a predisposition apportioned to some but withheld from most or a skill that is guilt like a muscle and grows larger with every concurrent stroke of conviction… Is it like Talent?

20th Commonwealth Games - Day 2: Track Cycling

Where does raw talent start? could it be pointed to as being that guy having never before ridden a bike can jump on and hang with the Cat 2 racer or is that novice who can struggle through the pain and hang with the A group on a tempo club ride which ends with pats on the back for him and statements like “keep riding, by this time next year you will be a beast”? When it comes down to it, do we really all know what we are capable of? I had been riding for about 2 years when in conversation with another rider I complained about my inability to get a high suffer score on Strava, I feel like I’m pushing to the limit and I am confident when I upload my data my suffer score would be Epic, alas it is always less than desired. He asked me if I had ever puked at the top of a climb to which I answered no, he said you still have a lot of suffering you have not touched yet and he was right, with the us of a heart rate monitor I am now all too aware of my body’s aversion to pain which is the antithetic for what serious bicycling represents.


I think about Alberto Contador on the day he withdrew from the Tour de France, the guy had a broken leg and still pedaled for a couple miles before succumbing to the pain and doing so in the most undramatized fashion, I would have been crying asking for my mummy, or Andrew Talansky as he valiantly finished stage 11 after so many crashes and I wonder what it takes for one to push pass all the fail safes the body has set up to circumnavigate discomfort, what it takes to sit in the pain cave boiling in lactic acid…. Can we accept the fact that we might lack the mental fortitude to suffer be it in real life or on a bike. I don’t have the answers to these barrage of questions but I think we need to be able to identify where our strengths lie and our thresholds top out, this way we are able to safely bite what we can chew. Personally I pray my threshold for pain experience in support of my spiritual convictions are much higher than my threshold for trivial peril. I guess when it comes down to it I really hope God helps me grow in my conviction that physical pain is no longer a deterrent to standing firm and pushing on.